


pσcrєscσphσвíα

by softhyunin



Category: Straykids
Genre: Graphic Description, M/M, Weight Issues, changbin, changlix, eatingdisorder, felix - Freeform, pleasedon'treadifanyofthosetagstriggeryou, selfharm, straykids - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:41:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25901503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softhyunin/pseuds/softhyunin
Summary: Felix is scared of gaining weight and Changbin is afraid of losing him.Changbin is a sporty guy, Felix works out for fearChangbin eats a lot, Felix feels sick looking at foodChangbin is afraid of losing weight, Felix is afraid of gaining weight
Relationships: Changlix - Relationship
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

warning

If you read my other fanfics you'll realize I write about such topics as {eating disorders, depression , self harm and others} and this one is no different so please if those topics trigger you DO NOT read any of my fanfics and stay safe.

I love you all and please take care.


	2. P

✧

Felix lays in his bed, another day that Changbin couldn't make it home.

Felix knew Changbin had to work but he just wished he could keep him company everyday.

Felix picks his phone and opens the fitness app.

Calories of the day : 0 cals

Felix was pleased at least with the amount of calories he consumed that day.

Felix hoped the scales would say the same.

He got up from his bed and walked into the bathroom with the little energy he still had picking the scales under the sink.

The scales read 143 lbs from Changbin's previews weight check.

Felix smiled to himself knowing his boyfriend was gaining weight like he wanted to.

Felix placed his left foot on the scale until it read 0, then stepped on it.

The numbers went up and down for a bit till it stopped on 110 lbs.

Felix felt a tear drop to his cheek as he saw the number.

Yes he had lost weight, but it was still too much for him.

What if Changbin didn't come home because he was too fat?

Felix fell to the floor and started crying harder for the rest of the night.


	3. O

✧

Changbin had yet another unscheduled work to do with Chan.  
He hated the fact that he had to leave Felix alone for one more night.  
He hated not knowing what his boyfriend was up to.  
Sleeping maybe? Changbin doubted.  
After all was done, he could finally leave work and go home.  
For his surprise, Felix didn't come when he called him.  
Changbin quickly made his way to the bathroom to find a crying Felix.  
Changbin just bent down and hugged him realizing what made Felix sad.  
A broken mirror, an unplaced scale, a dirty toilet and blood on the floor.  
He couldn't understand why Felix felt so bad about himself.  
After dating him for so many years, it remained a mystery.  
Changbin looked at Felix and all he could see was beauty.  
After a few minutes of hearing Felix cry he started cleaning the blood.  
Felix didn't dare to look at him.  
Changbin picked him up and laid him on their bed.  
He checked the bathroom once again before going to bed himself.  
Under the sink, some diet pills, a dirty blade on the floor and a scale with no number.  
Changbin wondered for a minute about how much his boyfriend weighted but was too scared to find out.  
Putting the scale back on its place Changbin left to his bedroom and cuddled Felix to sleep.


	4. C

✧

Felix woke up and smiled when he realized Changbin was laying next to him.

He unlocked his phone and saw a few missing calls from his old therapist.

The same old messages saying that she cared and wanted to help him.

Felix was sick of her, every time she would text him these things he could feel his stomach turn around.

He knew deep down she cared about him but she could never help him ... nor could anyone.

He was a lost case.

Silently he got up deciding what to wear.

Skinny ripped jeans and an oversized hoodie would do.

Piking the clothes he looked back at Changbin to check if he was still asleep and made his way to the bathroom.

Felix didn't want to do this but he couldn't help it, the feeling was stronger than him.

He started to get undress, stared at his reflection on the mirror and cried at how horrendous and fat he looked.

He looked at the scale under the sink as he wiped the tears on his cheek and pulled it.

Once the number hit 0 he steeped on it.

He didn't expect to lose weight in such a short amount of time but he wanted that to happen.

The number stopped at 109lbs.

It wasn't much but he was happy, after all he was doing something right.


	5. R

✧  
Later on that morning Changbin got up.  
He looked around for Felix but the younger one was no where to be found.  
Changbin thought that maybe he was at the gym, so he didn't think too much about it.  
Changbin got his clothes set up and went to the bathroom locking the door behind him.  
He slowly got undress and pressed the button so the water could run warm once he was ready.  
He stared at the ground wondering if he should've or not weight himself.  
He slowly picked the scale and got his left feet on it until it reached 0.  
He took a few breaths and finally placed both of his feet on the scale.  
The scale read 140.  
What was he doing wrong? He was supposed to be putting on more weight.  
Upset with the number he kicked the scale and entered the bathtub.  
The water was burning his skin, but he didn't mind.  
Now the only thing that was on his mind was putting on the weight he lost back.  
Not for one second thinking back about Felix or where he could be.  
Felix couldn't be in the gym for 4 hours ... or could he?


	6. E

✧

Felix was out of the house for the first time in a while.

Things had changed since he last saw the city.

A few flowers bloomed, new people moved in and old people moved out.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

Felix wandered around the city he once loved.

The city where his dreams were going to be lived.

A few years ago Felix believed he could be something.

Nowadays he had given up on everything he once wanted.

Felix wanted to be an actor, a model, a rapper, a singer and so much more.

16 year old Felix wanted to be everything 18 year old Felix is scared of.

Too shy and awkward to be an actor.

Too fat to be a model.

Korean not good enough to be a rapper.

Voice too low to be a singer.

Deep down Felix still wanted to be one of those thing.

But he was too scared of being rejected.

Of people telling him what he thought about himself.

He kept on walking with nowhere to go.

He wondered why Changbin hadn't called him yet.

Then he remembered what he thought a few days ago and how it might've been true.

Maybe Felix really was too fat for Changbin.

Stressed with all his thoughts he entered the gym and worked out for hours on end.

His heart started beating faster.

His head became dizzy.

His vision got blurry.

And in the blink of an eye he was unconscious on the ground.

Where was Changbin now that he needed him the most?


	7. S

✧

Felix... where could he be? Changbin asked himself

6 hours had passed and Changbin had enough

Changbin got his shoes on and left the house

The weather outside was hot, too hot to be bearable

Despite that he kept going towards the gym

Once he entered he didn't see Felix

Worried sick Changbin asked if anyone had seen Felix

Out of a sudden a boy told him Felix was token to the hospital

Changbin leaves the gym with no more words

Changbin stops a random taxi and enters it telling the men to hurry to the hospital

Once he got there he asked a lady where Felix was

The lady told him Felix was in the upper room

Changbin ran all the way there

Changbin couldn't believe what he saw once he opened the door

The love of his life looking so lifeless

Changbin sat next to him and cried while Felix was still sleeping


	8. C

✧

Felix woke up with Changbin by his side  
He didn't remember entering the hospital  
The last thing he remembered was running ... then everything went dark  
Felix looked around the room  
The white walls making him feel nauseous  
The silence making his stomach turn around  
And at last the food on the white table making him want to puke  
Felix took a look at all the food  
Two pieces of bread: 132 calories  
One orange: 45 calories  
A cup of milk: 103 calories  
His brain quickly made the entire math and the total lead to 280 calories  
Then Felix looked over Changbin to check if he was still sleeping  
Since Changbin made no signs of being awake Felix got up, picked the food and threw it in the toilet  
Luckily for Felix the flush didn't wake Changbin up so he could make his way back to the bed and cuddle his boyfriend


	9. O

✧

Changbin woke up in agony.

He had no idea where he was.

All he knew was that the love of his life was by his side.

Changbin missed cuddling the younger one.

He had been too busy with work to pay him any attention.

Changbin checked the boy out as he looked around the room.

When did he become so thin?

He knew he had always been on the thinner side but that seemed odd.

Slowly Changbin wrapped his arms around the boys torso.

Sadly all he could feel were bones ... and his slow heart beat.

Why had he been so blind to realize this before?

After what felt like an eternality the nurse made her way to their room.

She asked Felix a few question and told him to wait for the doctor.

A tall, brown haired man made his way into the room.

He had no expression on his face whatsoever.

He asked Felix the same questions the nurse did and got the same answers.

After writing them down he told us Felix fainted because of stress.

Changbin looked at Felix with a sad look.

He quickly got his clothes and Felix went to change.

Just a few minutes later the two made their way out of the hospital.


	10. P

✧

Felix spent the entire ride staring at Changbin.

He didn't want to scare him.

He didn't want to be a burden to him anymore.

But he also didn't want to end at all.

Would Changbin break up with him after what happened?

Would Changbin send him away cause he's crazy?

Stress didn't seem like a bad diagnose.

Felix knew exactly what he was doing through.

But he was still hoping Changbin didn't know it.

Cause after all he wouldn't understand.

And it would hurt him more.

Felix just wanted to jump off.

Once the car stopped they left to their house.

Felix made his way to his room and turned the tv on.

He wanted to cuddle Changbin but ended up falling asleep.


	11. H

✧

Changbin make his way into his room

Felix had just ran out to his own

Changbin knew Felix was hiding something that not even the doctors could tell

He laid in his bed and thought about it for the whole night

What would've been so wrong with Felix?

Later at night Changbin made his way to Felix's room

The boy seemed to be having nightmares

Changbin laid next to him and held him tightly

Without understanding, Felix's sleeve uncovered his scars

Changbin took a scared look at those

Most of them were healed but other were still wide open

Changbin was scared for that boy

He kissed his scars hoping the younger one wouldn't wake up

Changbin took a deeper look into the boy before he fell asleep as well


	12. O

✧

Yet another day Felix woke up with Changbin by his side.

He had missed the older one dearly.

But his thoughts couldn't stop hunting him.

Felix stepped out of the bed while Changbin was still sleeping and left to the bathroom.

He decided to warm the water first since he was already freezing.

He slowly turned around to face his poor reflection and for the first time he was surprised.

On the bad side, where was the Felix he used to know?

But once he blinked that horrendous image came back.

Furious with himself he quickly grabbed a few pills before watching his entire body shake.

Slowly he sat on the bathtub and tried to calm down but nothing worked.

After almost an hour the water started to run cold and he started to relax.


	13. B

✧ 

It was day time once again and Changbin was glad to be around Felix

For the first time in forever he looked at the younger one properly

Did he always look like this?

There were bags under his eyes

Changbin wondered how many nights he had stayed awake

All his clothes were extra baggy

Changbin finally started to notice how thin the boy looked

He barely ever ate the food he made, all of it was always for Changbin

How could've Changbin been so blind to the truth for so long?

Will he be able to help the shattered freckled boy?

Changbin is willing to try ...


	14. I

✧

It's been a few days since Changbin started acting weird

Felix watched the older closely

Changbin had been searching for things online

Felix was curious but the grey haired guy kept pushing him away

Felix had enough and left to his room

Growing desperate when he stopped feeling his legs

Once he reached the top he knelt down

He tried his hardest to make it to his room but there was no use

After spending all his energy the small boy ended up faithing

... where was changbin once again?


	15. A

✧

Changbin stood in shock looking at the youngest laying on the floor

Soon a phone call snapped him out

It was Felix's old therapist

What could she possibly want he asked himself before piking up

The two talked for a while

After that Felix started to open his eyes slowly

He looked so broken and confused

Maybe Changbin need some extra help to take care of the kid

Would talking to the therapist be the answer?


End file.
